Being here alone while Chris is away for work has got me thinking. I have more time on my hands in the evening. When Audrey goes down for the night it's very quiet, quiet enough for my thoughts to roam down avenues I regret. I have to be careful with my thoughts. They turn into doubts, worries, what ifs, anxiety, insecurity, fear, and thoughts that dilapidate my faith.
The torment that I faced and am now coping with tires me. The moments where pain and trauma have engulfed me were enigmatic and unfathomable. I am constantly straining my mind and heart to what is true. I carry loss in my heart. I just wish I could see her again. Hug my mom again. Have her encourage me the way she always did when I was heartsick. Or be able to get more pictures with my father-in-law and his first grandchild. It saddens me greatly on the adversity we face in this world. My heart is heavy for those who go through any sort of tragedy.
Whenever I share openly about heartache that has taken place in my life I always conclude with, "but I don't have the right to question God." He is God and that is just it. I can ask in my head, "Why God why? Why do I have to endure this pain?" all day long, which sometimes I do. But the real answer is He doesn't have to give any sort of explanation to me.
He is the one who endured something that no one would ever desire to do.
My heart is humbled when I reflect on what Jesus did on that cross for mankind. It is uncanny and sometimes grueling to go to God after all the sorrow and thank Him for all the good things He has done for me, but I thank Him because it takes the focus off of me and sets my heart on Him. And that is just what it is about.
Him not me.
His plan.
His purpose.
His will for my life.
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